“If you are between the ages of 49 and 52, were born in Iowa but now live in Ohio, reside exactly 3.25 miles from a hospital, or have bowled a 300 game, you should proceed to a medical facility to receive your Covid vaccine,”

The Onion: Nation Enters New Phase Of Vaccine Distribution Where Capricorns, Gymnasts, Childless Uncles Now Eligible For Inoculation